I refuse to sink...




If you saw the size of the blessing coming, you would understand the magnitude of the battle you are fighting.-Unknown

 
It started exactly like this about 2 years ago. I realized like usual, my lack of posts on this blog were diminishing. I decided I will start to write again. Write to cleanse my soul, write to express and clear my thoughts.  I again found myself abandoning my blog for the umpteenth time. People have often asked me where my posts went, that they actually enjoyed reading them.  A lot has happened since I have last written on here 3 years ago (can you believe it). Let me re-introduce myself. My name has not change, I still go by Ashley and the occasional Felicia, but I as a person have.  My grammar and punctuation are still in the works but I still choose to write.  My spark about life has started to slowly die down. I know, I know I’m still young, but how young is too young when you feel like nobody in this world understands what you are going through. I’ve learned the routine; smile on the outside so that nobody knows how sad you feel in the inside. I'm the type of girl who smiles to make everyone's day. Even though I'm dying on the inside. It has worked perfectly for me until now. It has become sort of a depression. I look in the mirror and don’t recognize the girl staring back at me. When did the laughter and happiness leave and I didn’t notice? I feel like I have let myself and God down. Girls at my age are getting married and having children, when did   my turn get skipped or go past the get married and have kid’s  in this Game of Life.  As type I can hear my mother telling me “Ashley, it’s not the right time, God has somebody for you” Ok, mother I’ve waited and waited and nothing.  I ask, can waiting for all the wrong things be the cause of this.  Am I doing something wrong that God hasn’t allowed for this to happen? Is it me, is something wrong with me that I can’t find anybody. What is it exactly that I want? A God-fearing man, a companion, a Friday night date, a travel buddy, someone I can talk to when I feel like I’m about to explode( my list has gone way down). I don’t want to be conformed to a world where I want to depend on any human  because I never have but it is nice to have somebody to share your life with.  When did I become ok, with life? I wanted to be the person that changed the world little by little, when did I become the person the world change. I  say it in a way as in, when did the world become so evil, when did the world refuse to seek God.  It saddens me that so many people have turned away God. .. My love for God hasn’t changed he comforts me in those times when all I do is feel like crying and my hope for a better day, it’s all I ask to get through the day. But, at the end of the day in my quiet moments, what do I think about? How far I’ve come, or how far I have to go? My strengths and my weaknesses? The best that might happen or the worst that might happen. I leave you with this: I am bent but not broken, I am scarred but not disfigured, I am sad but not hopeless, I am tired but not lifeless, I am angry but not bitter, I am depressed but not giving up.

 

Blessing-

Ash

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